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Conversation Tip: A Father Learns How to Talk to His Daughter
Excerpt from a terrific article by David Whyte, published in Oprah:
1) Do I know how to have real conversation?
A real conversation always contains an invitation. You are inviting another person to reveal herself or himself to you, to tell you who they are or what they want. To do this requires vulnerability. Now we tend to think that vulnerability is associated with weakness, but there’s a kind of robust vulnerability that can create a certain form of strength and presence too.
There are many tough conversations, but one of the most difficult is between a parent and an adolescent daughter, partly because as a parent we are almost always attempting to relate to someone who is no longer there. The parent therefore usually tries to start the conversation by offering a perspective that the daughter finds not only out of date but also unhelpful; the daughter then replies by way of defense with something just a shade more unhelpful, and so the process continues. A year or so ago, I found myself in exactly this dynamic, my daughter’s bedroom door slamming shut just as I was just about to say that last, deeply satisfying unhelpful thing.
Don’t Leave Home Empty-Headed
Conversation Secret #51
Bring several good conversation questions everywhere you go. Don’t leave home empty-headed. Read the newspaper. It’s full of interesting and controversial topics.
And here is exhibit A, an article about Smokey the Cat:
“Smokey the cat’s loud purr has been likened to a lawnmower, a hair dryer and a ‘Boeing 747 coming in to land from a mile away.’” His purr been recorded at 73 decibels, which could account for why he was dispatched to a shelter 3 years ago. The recording has been submitted to Guinness World Records.
He didn’t sound lawnmower-loud to me, just annoying. Click here to hear him for yourself.
OK, back to conversation questions: You could talk for a while about cats and their horrible habits. [Can you spot my feelings about the li'l critters?] Then branch off into pets in general and the sweet habit your dog had of bringing you her dish at suppertime. And how she broke 2 ceramic bowls before you smartened up. OK, I smartened up.
When You’re Tempted to Apologize
Do you claim to have terrible public speaking skills? Are you worse than King George VI of Britain, who stu-stu-stuttered his way through The King’s Speech?
I didn’t think so.
In terms of fears, public speaking ranks right up there with drowning and/or sitting beside a a compulsive talker on the flight to Tokyo.
And that’s just silly because most people do an OK job of it. Speaking, not drowning.
Yesterday I went to a workshop for the Friends of the Hawaii Libraries. We’re the volunteer advocates and fundraisers. At lunchtime the microphone went around the room, and people shared what was going on at their library. I talked about our last book sale, which raised over $6,000 in 2 days. (Color me proud.) The representative from Molokai talked about giving several children’s books to every mom with a newborn, an idea we thought brilliant.
4 Tips You Can Use Today to Silence Negative Self-Talk and Have Fun at Parties
While getting a pre-holiday haircut, I said, “Stefanie, are you going to any Christmas parties?”
“Yes, but I probably won’t go.”
“Why not?”
“Oh, I start thinking about how I’ll have to talk to people, and it doesn’t seem like much fun. So I usually stay home.”
Psychologists have a fancy name for this behavior. I call it Sinking Your Own Boat.
Stefanie sinks her boat with her thoughts, one at a time. She feels more and more burdened, heavy, and miserable with each message from her imagination:
- “It’ll be boring.”
- “I might not know some people, and I’ll have to talk to them anyway.”
- “I don’t know what to say.”
- “What will I wear?”
- “I don’t like driving at night.”
Glug, glug, glug. Down goes the Good Ship Lollipop, sinking a fun evening with it.
De-Cluttering the Skeletons in Your Family Closet
Oprah’s family secret is out: She has a younger half-sister, Patricia, whom she met for the first time at Thanksgiving, 2010. Only one person in her family knew that Oprah’s mom gave up a baby for adoption. (Way to keep a secret, Auntie!)
Imagine Oprah’s surprise. I was surprised like that while visiting cousin Nancy in Ohio. Driving home from the airport, Nancy said, “Guess who can’t wait to meet you.”
“Tell me, tell me.”
“Aunt Mildred.”
“Who’s Aunt Mildred?” I was 35 and didn’t know my mom had a sister.
Mom had kicked the bucket eleven years earlier, and I could hardly wait to meet Aunt Mildred. Would she be vivacious and witty like Mom? Could we be close? In short, would she fill the Mom-emptiness in my heart?
No. She was her own self, grandmotherly in the old-time way.
The Popcorn Theory: 4 Steps to Show Kindness
Want to show more kindness? Here’s a conversation tip from the family depicted in the movie The Blind Side:
Leigh Ann and Sean Tuohy (pronounced TOO-hee), have a philosophy of life they named “The Popcorn Theory.” It goes like this:
You can’t help everyone. But you can try to help the hot ones who pop up in front of your face. It means that you notice other people, ask them questions, really listen to their answers, and help where you can. It’s a simple philosophy that they put into practice that freezing November afternoon when the Tuohys turned their car around to pick up a boy they saw walking without a jacket. In that heartbeat, all their lives were changed.
- Jonna Erickson, The Costco Connection
Got that? Just four steps to show your kindness:
- Notice
- Ask
- Listen
- Help
Are You at the Mercy of Your Telephone?
Use The Law of Attraction to make your telephone conversations more productive.
Ring! Ring!!
Thank the goddess for caller ID. You’ve been waiting for this call. You need to talk to Ms. Brooks, but you’re not ready. What do you do, pick up the phone or risk missing out? No, wait, You HAVE to answer this call. How can you make the most of it?
There is a third way to handle the call. It puts you firmly in control of this opportunity because you’re going to put the Law of Attraction to work for you.
First you answer the telephone: ”Hi, this is Tracey.” When Ms. Brooks identifies herself, you say, “Thanks for calling. I’m eager to talk to you. Can you hold on for a second, please?”
…and then you say to yourself,
Delta Flight Attendant + Crayons = Connection & Conversation
What does it take to calm an irritated customer, connect people, start conversations, and build relationships? What could do all that? As this story shows, it just takes one person thinking outside the Crayon box.
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PALM SPRINGS, Calif. – AP – A museum is showing artwork collected by a Delta flight attendant who started handing out crayons to passengers after the Sept. 11th attacks.
The Palm Springs Air Museum is showing “Plane Art — Connecting People” through Jan. 25. Several dozen pictures are hanging at the museum, and many others are available for visitors to leaf through in folders.
The pictures were collected by Delta flight attendant Jewel Van Valin. She got the idea a few months after 9/11, when the airline began substituting paper for linens as tray table covers.
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She said one passenger who noticed the change “threw his head back and rolled his eyes, and I could tell he was thinking, ‘What’s next?’ That look clinched it for me.” Van Valin had a box of crayons in her flight bag and started putting a crayon on each tray.
“The passengers started laughing and drawing,” she recalled. “It was a way to reconnect after 9/11.”
She later contacted Crayola, and the company now supplies her with Rainbow Twistables, which are crayons that have four colors in one tube.
Van Valin says that passengers are wary initially when she asks them if they’re “ready to have some fun, but then the crayons come out and they start laughing.”
Some passengers tell her that they don’t know how to draw, “but I tell them that it’s not about drawing, it’s about having fun.”
Van Valin hangs the pictures up on airplane paneling during flights so passengers can see each other’s work. She saves all the pictures and estimates she has about 3,500 drawings.
“Jewel started this following 9/11 to calm passengers nerves as they flew Delta,” said Palm Springs Air Museum director Sharon Maguire. Maguire added that Van Valin’s idea proved that “one resourceful, caring person can connect people, start conversations and build relationships.”
For more information about visiting the museum, go to http://www.palmspringsairmuseum.org.
I welcome your comments.
Elevator Speech: Answering the Question "What Do You Do?"
America’s #1 conversation question is “What do you do?”
If you’re answering in the usual way—”I’m a manager [salesperson, writer, realtor or what-have-you]“—guess what? You’re missing the chance to begin a meaningful conversation. (If you’ve wondered how to start a conversation with someone new, listen up!)
Definition of an elevator speech
An overview of, or pitch for, an idea for a product, service or project. Make it short, pithy, and intriguing.
Here’s professional speaker, writer, and friend Sam Horn with a hot tip: Use an elevator speech to answer the question “What do you do?”
Pop quiz!
What do you do first when someone asks “What do you do?”
answer: xxyouxgetx FI xxx
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Sam Horn is a master presenter, isn’t she?
Now that you’ve understood Sam’s message, I want you to watch this video again. Pay attention to her delivery. Notice how she’s having a conversation with you. Notice her
How to Start a Conversation with Your Grandmother and Her Elderly Friends
Lots of my grandmother friends run conversational circles and jog literal circles around me, so let me make it clear: this blog post is about starting a conversation with an elderly person—granddad, too—who is hard to talk to.
Grandma sits in her chair, silent, but happy to have you there.
You ask her, “How was your day?”
She’s says, “Okay.”
“What did you have for lunch?”
[pause] “I can’t remember.”
But just because she gives one-word answers to your questions doesn’t mean she’s not willing to talk. What’s going on?
Diagnosis CRS. What is CRS?
It could be dementia. It could be CRS, which means Can’t Remember S*it.
Short-term memory being what it is in older folks—that is, gone, lost, and sketchy—you’ll have a better chance of having a good conversation if you go further back than breakfast, and even further than Mother’s Day, which was last week. Go back. Go way back. No, not to Genesis, that’s too far.
Sarah Reed, a trustee with Britain’s Contact the Elderly charity, has gone back. As a result, she’s gotten old folks coming out of their shells and talking again. Not one-word answers, or even short phrases, but really talking about what life was like when they were kids. They even remembered their blue bicycles.
How do you think she did it? This photo gives a clue.
Sarah made sets of large cards with pictures of familiar scenes and objects from the 1940s. Popular with professional caregivers and families, these cards have sold thousands in Great Britain. Another set from the 50s is in the works.
You don’t have to buy a set from England because your local bookstore will have volumes of memorabilia by the decade. Here are some Amazon suggestions:
| Time-Life Books used to have great picture books through the decades. See what you can find in magazines such as Life and The Saturday Evening Post.
And while you’re at it, get some music you and grandma can sing along with. |
