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Good Conversation Question from ZITS
Thanks to cartoonists Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman.
Witty Insults
“He had delusions of adequacy.” - Walter Kerr
“Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. [I say,] ‘He’s dead. Good.’” -Kate Clinton
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” - Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” - Clarence Darrow
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.”
Winston Churchill, in response:
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” - Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” - Groucho Marx
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” - Jack E. Leonard
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” - Robert Redford
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
Lady Astor said to Winston Churchill, ”If you were my husband, I’d give you poison.”
Churchill replied, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
“I am returning this otherwise good sheet of typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.” - English Professor, Ohio University
Kids Say the Darndest Things About the Bible
Kids crack me up! See if you agree.
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
- Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
- Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
- The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
- Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
- St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession a taximan.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
- A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Compiled by Richard Lederer, published in the National Review.
Merry Thanksgivoween
Communication Skills: A Funny Lesson on How NOT to Use PowerPoint
Tips for Powerpoint Users
Corporate comic Don McMillan shows us how NOT to use PowerPoint. I bet you can relate; I can.
Thanks to Pam Chambers, presentation coach extraordinaire, for this lead.
Did Don miss your PowerPoint pet peeve? Please comment.
Air New Zealand Gets Cheeky, Spices Up a Boring Safety Speech
It’s the classic public speaking dilemma. You’ve got a captive but inattentive audience and a message they might need to know. How far would you go to get their attention for a required safety speech? Would you get naked?
Air New Zealand came up with a plan to get—and keep—the attention of their cotton-eared passengers. Watch what the Kiwis (New Zealanders) did with a flight crew, body paint, shoes and a hat:
Do you suppose this kind of video would work on teenagers? “Clean your room. Do your homework. Pick up your clothes. And if the house catches fire, save your little sister, and then call 911.”
If you liked that video, try the bloopers version.
Conversations While Waiting in Line
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Jeremy’s mom gets the whole scoop just standing in the bank line, while her son knows zip about his friend Justin. It’s a gender difference. Men bond by doing stuff together, while women bond by talking. Now you might be thinking, "My uncle Bob is a chatty guy. He would have gotten the scoop, too." Yeah, your Uncle Bob is a rare bird. Have him stuffed for the Smithsonian. The next time you’re in a bank line, see what the guys are chatting about. If they’re chatting at all…. |
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How to Get Revenge on a Nasty Neighbor
Sometimes it doesn’t pay to vex your neighbor. How would Mr. Rogers have solved this neighborhood squabble?
Utah city councilman Mark Easton had a beautiful view of the east mountains until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built a new home.
The new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances allowed, so Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance.
The new neighbor had to drop the roof line at great expense.
Then Easton complained to the city that his neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home. He didn’t like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate.
When they went to Easton’s home to see the vents, they found a legal depiction of an unusual Utah bird…
Conversation questions
1. Have you ever had a spat or a full-blown feud with a neighbor?
2. Did you find a peaceful resolution? If you had to deal with it all over again, what would you do differently?
3. What did you learn from the whole thing, other than to choose your neighbors carefully?
My iPod Has a Sense of Humor About Tax Day
After mailing my taxes, I put my iPod on shuffle mode. Out of 9,000 songs it played one by Celine Dion:
"Rain, Tax (It’s Inevitable)."
Honest, that’s the song’s real name.
Have you experienced any timely musical messages from the universe?
What You Hear vs. What You Get
Five-year old Jake is learning to read. Yesterday he pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!"
His mom took a deep breath, then asked…."What did you call it?"
"It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does…
AFRICAN ELEPHANT
