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More Daffy-nitions
These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
[My Favorite]
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
Resume Bloopers: I Enjoy Cooking Chinese and Italians
Why bother to proofread your résumé when you can write a timeless blooper instead? Read carefully. Some bloops are suttle, I mean, subtle.
- “I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”
- “I’m intrested to here more about that. I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer.”
- “Hobbies: enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians.”
- “2001 summer Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people.”
- “Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail.
- “Objective: Career on the Information Supper Highway.”
- “Experience: Stalking, shipping & receiving”
- “I am great with the pubic.”
- “My duties included cleaning the restrooms and seating the customers.”
- “Revolved customer problems and inquiries.”
- “Consistently tanked as top sales producer for new accounts.”
A Zippy Anecdote
I called AARP—for you youngsters, that’s the Association for Retired Persons—to get a copy of their DVD Staying Sharp. Not that I need it. Oh, no, not me.
The friendly phone person says, “What’s your last name and zip code?”
For the life of me, never have I had trouble with this item, I swear. I couldn’t remember my zip code. Fortunately, I found it amusing. After a long pause, I said, I can’t remember my zip code.”
She said, “Don’t worry. It happens a lot.”
“This is ironic. I’m calling to get the brain boosting info.”
“Just in time!”
That tickled my neurons, and I blurted out the number.
“I see you’re in sunny Hawaii. My daughter lives there.” And off we went into an interesting conversation about how her daughter’s adjusting to island life. I’m so glad I didn’t scold myself for my lapse because I was open to sparking that conversation.
Humor: 9 Words Women Use
Applause and gratitude to the comedians who wrote this and launched it into cyberspace, whoever they are…. – Tracey
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing, usually end in “Fine.”
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
Gym Clients Say the Darndest Things
Did you make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight? Laugh at these gym gems from my favorite fitness trainer, Christie Bridges, and jiggle off a few calories:
- Upon reading the Weight Room Rules, one lady noted the rule that said “Collars must be used at all times.” Since she was wearing a collar-less T shirt, she thought she was inappropriately dressed. I explained that collars secure the weight plates on the bars.
- Gentleman wanting to purchase an energy bar in the Pro Shop: “I’d like one of those Estrogen bars.” He meant ERGOGEN!
- Overheard during a floor workout for obliques: “This feels like trying to open a Coca-Cola bottle with your belly.”
- According to one auntie: ”The whiter the bread, the sooner you’re dead!”
- Epileptical Trainer = Elliptical Trainer
- To “undo” an exercise = to stretch
- Testosterone room = section of gym where men do heavy-duty weight lifting
How You Doin?
That’s one way of asking “How are you?” How do you answer this common conversation question? If you’re singer-humorist Greg Tamblyn, your brain whirs and pops out a creative reply — for example:
- “Parts of me are excellent.” (his current favorite)
- “In the flow, babe.”
- “Great from the neck down.” (If he has a cold.)
- “Still a bag of happy atoms.”
- “Moderately bewildered.
- “Part pizza, part beer.”
- “I’m so broke I can’t pay attention, but I got plenty o’ love.”
- “Bizarre, yet weird.”
- “Still dangerous.” (Thanks to Bowen White for this one.)
- “Spiffy.”
- “The important parts are fully functional.”
Greg’s running a contest for the best answers. Scoot over to Greg’s blog, guffaw at the entries, and post your own.
But first, post ‘em below because my readers and I enjoy creativity, too.
Tramp Stamps & Bromance
Today’s guest blogger is Joan Stewart, aka The Publicity Hound.
Lexicographers have added 2,000 new words, phrases and new meanings to the third edition of The Oxford American Dictionary.
New words include: bromance, unfriend, turducken, tramp stamp, eggcorn, nimrod, agroterrorism, megachurch, staycation, steampunk, truthiness, tweet and waterboarding.
New phrases include: get one’s arms around, my bad, job something out, less is more, what’s not to like?, have skin in the game, talk the talk, and the ubiquitous “heart” as a synonym for love, as in “I heart publicity.”
The new edition also recognizes a variety of abbreviations as words, including TTYL (talk to you later), LBD (little black dress), BFF (a girl’s best friend, which originated from best friend forever), and LMAO (laughing my *** off).
Would you feel foolish using any of these words in your writing? Why? Are they nothing more than slang?
Parents, would you let your children learn about the English language from this dictionary, or would you ban it from your house?
Read more about the new words at the publishing company’s blog. (I love the headline).
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Thanks, Joan! I love your thought-provoking questions. Readers, check out Joan’s blog and Web site. – Tracey
10 Most Overused Sayings. Awesome, Dude!
Feel free to, um, like, add to this list. Or whatever. No problem. It’s aMAZing.
- At the end of the day
- Fairly unique
- I personally think
- At this moment in time
- With all due respect
- Absolutely
- It’s a nightmare
- Shouldn’t of (for “shouldn’t have”)
- 24/7
- It’s not rocket science
- At the end of the day
- Fairly unique
- I personally think
- At this moment in time
- With all due respect
- Absolutely
- It’s a nightmare
- Shouldn’t of (for “shouldn’t have”)
- 24/7
- It’s not rocket science
Jeremy Butterworth made up this list. He’s the author of Damp Squid: The English Language Laid Bare
Isn’t his title absolutely, 24/7, redundant? Aren’t squids always damp?
Mine are. Totally.
++++++++++
I had fun with this. Now it’s your turn.
Wit and Humor: The Early Bird Gets the Worm, But…
Enjoy these humorous twists. Notice how they start with a word (such as “hospitality”) or a saying. Then they take off in a new direction.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk has a work station.
- I thought I wanted to be a writer; turns out I just wanted fat book advances.
- I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can sport a beer gut, and know they are still sexy.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Always take life with a grain of salt … a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
- Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Here’s my version of an old saying:
The early bird gets the worm; but remember, the worm got up early, too.
Now it’s your turn. Leave your contributions below. Have fun!
Good Conversation Question from ZITS
Thanks to cartoonists Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman.
