Conversation Questions
I hear this question a lot since I returned from 3 weeks in the Bahamas and Florida. The best part was a 6-night kayaking and camping adventure with family.
We paddled through mangroves, sailed across stingray flats, snorkeled around elkhorn coral and bluehead wrasses, scooped up sand dollars, swapped poems by firelight, and wished on shooting stars. My tribe nicknamed me Potcake.
Oh, it wasn’t all glorious: a scorpion bit Whitney twice; 3 of us cut our feet on shells and glass; and from sunset to sunrise, mosquitos and no-see-ums feasted on our uncovered body parts. We nearly peed on our toes, and we banged pots to scare off Wilbur, the massive pink pig who shared our “deserted” island. He sneaked up on us, and more than not wanting him to carry off our vittles, we never wanted him to surprise us squatting in the bushes.
I didn’t miss a toilet or comfortable bed. I missed a fresh-water rinse. My hair, though cleaned with No-Rinse Shampoo, always felt thick and sticky, hyped up on Super Salt Body. When I shampooed after the trip (AHHHHH!), it felt like two-thirds of my hair had fallen out.
So what do I say when people ask, “How was your trip?”
I say, “It was great.”
Period.
For most folks, that’s enough. All they want to know is that pirates didn’t carry me off, and a passing stingray didn’t nail me to the reef.
Maybe it’s stingy of me to share so little. Do you think so?
Sometimes I bore myself with a one-word answer, and I have to say more. Then I might describe the nursery of 4-inch conchs, helter-skelter, half out of the water at low tide.
If there’s space for more information, sometimes I add details. You know what I mean by “space”? It’s somebody’s willingness to listen; it’s their ability to care; it’s the time to share. In my opinion, of course.
Then I say, “The best part was spending time with my family, including my cousin Vicki who married Cathy, her partner of 27 years, and turned the trip into a honeymoon. I loved meeting my first cousin Nan.”
By way of showing how much fun Nan is, I might add, “After paddling for hours, Nan’s in the middle of the bonefish flats, squatting by the kayak, saying, ‘I’ve met 3 presidents, and now I’m peeing in my pants.’”
I love a juicy quotation. I squatted, too, but didn’t generate a sound bite. (Nan, thanks for yours.)
Here’s what I’ve learned about the conversation question ”How was your trip?”
The answer is what you make it. The question is super open-ended, so you could reply with a single word—”great”—or with a detailed description.
What makes me happy is something memorable and specific to hang my hat on. So the next time one of my friends goes traveling, I’ll won’t say, “How was your trip?” I’ll ask, “What were some highlights from your trip?”
My neighbor Faye leaves for Italy and Greece tomorrow. When she asked what to bring me, I said, “Stories.”
* Describe your family’s spring holiday traditions. What was your role in preparations?
* What foods do you associate with this season?
* Have you taken part in religious traditions other than your own? What was that like?
Last week I peeled apples and potatoes, plucked parsley from the yard, scrubbed pots and a pan or three, placed matzoh on 3 tables, and helped my cousin Cat cook a seder for 24 people. It was a 3-day job; but with 3 helpers, she finished 3 hours early with a smile on her face.
We all enjoyed the Jewish rituals with horseradish, mushed apples, and bitter herbs dipped in salty water; the explanations in the xeroxed booklet with the bright green cover, read back to front; the sounds of the Hebrew syllables and the English translations; and the abundant, yummy food.
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Every year I make the same New Year’s resolution, which is not to make any resolutions. I blow them by February anyway. Here’s an idea for the new year that doesn’t leave me feeling bad about myself.
I pick a word for the year.
It’s a guiding star, kind of a Star of Bethlehem for the wise person I aspire to be. |
After my friend Pam told me about word picking (Thanks, Pam), I added the idea to my computer’s calendar so I’d remember every year.
My brain’s been addled from too much multitasking, so this year I picked “focus.” It’s only January 4th, and already I’m focusing more, multitasking less.
Then two more good words jumped onboard: ”completion” and “connection.” When I told Gaelyn about connection, she cheered and hugged me. Connection is working its magic already.
OK, your turn….What word—or words—sing to you, inspire you to be a better person this year? Please share your words in the comment section so the rest of us can be inspired, too.
BONUS: Use this word-of-the-year idea as a conversation question.
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Here are some New Year’s conversation questions to start conversations and keep them going.
If you’re staying home and keeping the dog company, it’s the perfect time to assess where you’ve been and to chart your course for the new year.
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- What 3 words sum up last year for you?
- What were some highlights of the year?
- What were your favorite movies and concerts?
- Do any special books come to mind?
- Did you have any turning points this year? For example, did you start or end a relationship or a job? Did you discover an aptitude for accounting or cooking? Did you get over a fear? Did you join a club and make a new set of friends?
- Who inspired you this year? How about Captain Sullenberger who landed the plane in the Hudson River? Or English singer Susan Boyle?
- Name 3 things you accomplished this year. They could be as simple as cleaning out your closet or as complicated as organizing a conference for 500 guests.
- What’s your secret dream?
- If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?
- What are you looking forward to next year, personally and professionally? What would you like to see happen? What specific steps will you take to make your vision come true?
It’s also the end of the first 10 years of 2000, so you could ask the same questions about the last decade.
Make it a very happy new year!
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I welcome your comments. Feel free to answer the questions I posed or to ask questions of your own.
Simple Advice for Parents Trying to Raise Happy, Healthy Daughters
A criminologist who has spent decades studying the lives of girls and women who end up in prison has some simple advice for parents trying to raise happy, healthy daughters: Listen.
“We need to listen to our daughters, not just talk to our daughters. That what girls tell us,” said University of Hawaii professor Meda Chesney-Lind. “They want to be heard. Parents think they are talking with their daughters, when they’re really talking at their daughters.” [from the opening 2 paragraphs in Friday's Star-Bulletin story by writer Christine Donnelly.]
My stepfather listened to me. Maybe that’s why I loved him so much. We traded stories: he and his brothers dumped a nest of mice on the counter of their father’s store and made the clerk scream; I chased a camped counselor with a daddy longlegs spider. She was too busy running to scream.
We talked about current events, what was going on at school, and whether God existed (I didn’t think so). We talked about sex, too. If he thought my ideas were off the wall, he never said so. He just asked questions in a tell-me-more way.
In high school I loved hanging out with my mom because she was so witty. When her best friend came over and they sat at the bar’s only 2 stools, I’d tuck myself beside the sink and join in. But—you knew there was a but, didn’t you?—eventually Mom’s conversation would turn to me: how much better I’d look in contacts, how unruly my hair was, how I ought to smile more.
When I smoked pot in college, who do you think I told, Charlie or Mom?
And who was very upset when she found out that I’d told him? I think Mom was more upset by getting the information second-hand than she was by the pot itself.
Perhaps Mom was trying to pass on the skills that made her popular. Or maybe she was trying to transform me into a suitable chip off the old block. Whatever her reasons, they didn’t bring us closer.
Here are some conversation questions for you:
- Over the years, who has listened, really listened, to you?
- How did these good listeners impact your life?
- Do children learn more from what parents do than what they say? Is that true for you? For your children?
Please leave your comments below.
A Great Source of Conversation Topics
Do you love to learn? At home? At your own pace? Do you love to talk about what you learn?
Then scoot on over to
The Teaching Company. Do it before Oct. 5, because they’re having a big sale. Courses include more than 2,000 hours of material in literature, philosophy, history, fine arts, science, religion, music, etc. You will never run out of stuff to talk about.
This is not a money maker for me. Not a nickel. I just think their courses are great. I downloaded a course in modern economics and listened while walking the dog. My brain was awash in statistics, but I understand now why a little inflation is good and a lot is not, and how Wal-Mart provides economic benefits even to folks who don’t shop there.
Are you a stargazer? I love Professor Alex Filippenko’s “Understanding the Universe: An Introduction to Astronomy, 2nd edition.” He’s an enthusiastic, talented teacher. And I’m eager to start the series on Egyptian history.
The Web site says,
“The Teaching Company brings engaging professors into your home or car through courses on DVD, audio CD, and audio downloads. Since 1990, great teachers from the Ivy League, Stanford, Georgetown, and other leading colleges and universities have crafted over 250 courses for lifelong learners like you. It’s the adventure of learning without the homework or exams.”
Some of the courses have snippets on YouTube. Go there and search “The Teaching Company.”
p.s. If you miss this sale, sign up for their catalog because every course goes on sale sometime during the year.
What are your favorite sources of knowledge? Comment!
Today I’m borrowing a post from online information marketer Alex Mandossian. He’s sharing the 4 conversation questions that guided his 1,200 tele-interviews. I see another practical application for these great questions.
Not many people get interviewed, but lots of us teach or train others. It could be as informal as helping the kids with their homework or coaching their soccer team. It could be as formal as writing an office manual or teaching our employees to give good customer service.
As you read Alex’s blog post (below) about how to conduct an interview, think about you could use his 4 conversation questions to improve your own teaching skills.
The first question is a WHY question. When I was 12 and attempting to waltz in cotillion classes, I didn’t see the why of it. It wasn’t learning; it was going through the motions. CLUNK, clunk, clunk. CLUNK, clunk, clunk. I would have tried harder if someone had explained to me that I would enjoy waltzing to country music in my 40s and 50s. (Is it asking too much of a dance teacher to predict the future?)
To borrow from Nietzsche: He who has a why to learn, can bear with almost any how.
And now, here’s Alex:
The 4 Most Reliable Tele-Interview Questions
Whenever I conduct a Teleseminar interview with a thought leader in my area of interest, I often lean on the four learning styles that researcher David Kolb discovered in the 1980s.
Your listening audiences typically fit into four distinct learning styles Kolb uncovered and they are: WHY learners, WHAT learners, HOW learners and WHAT IF learners.
Which of the four learning styles do you feel that you fit into?
Regardless of your learning style, I believe anyone can become a great interviewer if they …
Read the rest of Alex’s post here. Then please leave your comments below.
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How do you build confidence and meet people? Volunteer. You get to schmooze with people you wouldn’t otherwise meet.
I was a speaker host at the Hawaii Writers Conference. One evening the authors were doing a mass book signing. |
Picture them at tables on the lanai of the Royal Hawaiian Hotel, overlooking Diamond Head and the ocean.
What was missing in this scenic view?
Something to drink.
I appointed myself the wine goddess, got scripts from the conference host, and delivered wine to each author. In between signings, I chatted with Kristin Hannah (21 books – I loved Firefly Lane) and Jacquelyn Mitchard (author of The Deep End of the Ocean, Oprah’s first book-club pick).
Of course, if I’d paid the full conference fee, I could have visited with them, too. But when you volunteer, you get in for free.
Here’s another example:
The previous year, I helped organize author Steve Berry’s book signing and enjoyed a long visit with his lovely wife. The ice breaker “how did you meet?” brought out a great blind-date story. The conversation question “Do you go with Steve when he travels for research?” gave me insights about his writing process, always an interesting topic for a writer.
An excellent tip to build confidence
Register people at the door. This is a great job because you get to put faces with names and have a brief connection. When registration’s over, you have a clear idea of people you’d like to get to know better. (Read about my morning greeting women who were considering running for office: “50 First Impressions in the 50th State.” )
If being on the front lines, so to speak, scares you, then go backstage. While stuffing envelopes and trading stories, you get to know people in the organization.
Feeling depressed?
Volunteer. You feel needed. Volunteering gives you a purpose, a reason to be there. Instead of walking in the door and not knowing a cotton-pickin’ soul, you belong. Help somebody else or a cause greater than yourself and you’ll feel better about yourself. It will do you as much good as a roomful of therapists’ couches. That’s my promise.
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What a great Labor Day weekend! How did you spend your time off? Did you do something fun? (That’s a good conversation starter, by the way, because it invites the sharing of personal information.)
For the third year in a row, I volunteered at the Hawaii Writers Conference, (the weekend formerly known as the Maui Writers Conference).
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Ahhh! 4 days of bliss for everyone who loves writing, books and movies. That would be me and 700 of my dearest writer friends.
When I attend a conference of like-minded folks, I’m never at a loss for words. (Not that that happens to me anyway. After all, I am the Queen of Conversation. <blush>) ”Tell me about your project” got everyone talking enthusiastically. Notice the word project, instead of book. That’s because some folks were screenwriters and poets.
Here are some other good conversation starters you can adapt for your conference or group:
- Why did you come here? What do you want to get out of the conference?
- What presenters have impacted you the most? Why?”
- What good tips have you picked up so far?
- Have you had any consultations with publishers or agents? What did they tell you?
- What’s the next step for you, writing- and publishing-wise?
The key to a good conversation
Ask for more information on any given topic. That means you gotta resist the urge to blab about your own project, your own favorite authors, until your turn comes. Did my turn come? Yes. Everyone was curious and eventually invited me to talk about my own coming E-book, Do You Squeeze the Toothpaste in the Middle? Playful Questions for Dates and Mates. I love how people smile when they hear the title.
Alas, the conference ended, and I am suffering from a serious lack of schedules, speakers, speaker-host teammates, authors and wanna-bes. But my dawgs are happy to see more of me than my coattails. (Does anyone wear coats with tails anymore?)
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Next post: Why you should volunteer. Special perks you might not know about.
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How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? ~ Author Unknown
I spent the weekend camping with old friends. When we weren’t surfing, playing cards and Mexican train, cooking, or discussing the merits of feeding the wild chickens, we circled round the campfire or coffee cups and talked story. |
Here are some good conversation questions we chewed on:
- Have you been in a relationship or dated a whack job? Tell your story. (We defined “whack job” as a totally dysfunctional person. Think drugs, alcohol, anger issues, codependency, and entanglements with exes.)
- When was the first time you drank alcohol?
- When was the first time you smoked?
We didn’t continue this line of “firsts,” but you can.
- First date
- First kiss
- First time you had sex
- First dollar you earned
- First job
- First memory
In Oregon years ago, a bear visited our campsite because we left a package of cinnamon buns on the table. I overheard another camper saying she wanted to lure a bear into her site, too. Apparently one doesn’t need a brain to buy a tent and sleep in the woods.
What are your camping stories? Leave a comment.
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