A criminologist who has spent decades studying the lives of girls and women who end up in prison has some simple advice for parents trying to raise happy, healthy daughters: Listen.
"We need to listen to our daughters, not just talk to our daughters. That what girls tell us," said University of Hawaii professor Meda Chesney-Lind. "They want to be heard. Parents think they are talking with their daughters, when they’re really talking at their daughters." [from the opening 2 paragraphs in Friday's Star-Bulletin story by writer Christine Donnelly.]
My stepfather listened to me. Maybe that’s why I loved him so much. We traded stories: he and his brothers dumped a nest of mice on the counter of their father’s store and made the clerk scream; I chased a camped counselor with a daddy longlegs spider. She was too busy running to scream.
We talked about current events, what was going on at school, and whether God existed (I didn’t think so). We talked about sex, too. If he thought my ideas were off the wall, he never said so. He just asked questions in a tell-me-more way.
In high school I loved hanging out with my mom because she was so witty. When her best friend came over and they sat at the bar’s only 2 stools, I’d tuck myself beside the sink and join in. But–you knew there was a but, didn’t you?–eventually Mom’s conversation would turn to me: how much better I’d look in contacts, how unruly my hair was, how I ought to smile more.
When I smoked pot in college, who do you think I told, Charlie or Mom?
And who was very upset when she found out that I’d told him? I think Mom was more upset by getting the information second-hand than she was by the pot itself.
Perhaps Mom was trying to pass on the skills that made her popular. Or maybe she was trying to transform me into a suitable chip off the old block. Whatever her reasons, they didn’t bring us closer.
Here are some conversation questions for you:
- Over the years, who has listened, really listened, to you?
- How did these good listeners impact your life?
- Do children learn more from what parents do than what they say? Is that true for you? For your children?
Please leave your comments below.
I am busy helping my daughter raise her small children at this time…both SONS,
however this advice about “listening” to what the daughters have to say is good
advice!
My friend Sabina took the art of listening literally. She’s legally blind, and when she took her energetic little son to the neighborhood playground, she tied a bell to him.
If your grandkids are tireless, too, you must be tuckered out! Thanks for writing, Molly.