• In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.  
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
• Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. 
• Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. 
• Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. 
• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. 
• Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. 
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. 
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. 
• The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.  
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada. 
• Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 
• David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of  people who lived in Biblical times. 
• Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. 
• When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. 
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 
• St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. 
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. 
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 
• One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession a taximan. 
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 
• A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Compiled by Richard Lederer, published in the National Review.

A criminologist who has spent decades studying the lives of girls and women who end up in prison has some simple advice for parents trying to raise happy, healthy daughters: Listen.

"We need to listen to our daughters, not just talk to our daughters. That what girls tell us," said University of Hawaii professor Meda Chesney-Lind. "They want to be heard. Parents think they are talking with their daughters, when they’re really talking at their daughters." [from the opening 2 paragraphs in Friday's Star-Bulletin story by writer Christine Donnelly.]

My stepfather listened to me. Maybe that’s why I loved him so much. We traded stories:  he and his brothers dumped a nest of mice on the counter of their father’s store and made the clerk scream; I chased a camped counselor with a daddy longlegs spider. She was too busy running to scream.

We talked about current events, what was going on at school, and whether God existed (I didn’t think so). We talked about sex, too. If he thought my ideas were off the wall, he never said so. He just asked questions in a tell-me-more way. 

In high school I loved hanging out with my mom because she was so witty. When her best friend came over and they sat at the bar’s only 2 stools, I’d tuck myself beside the sink and join in. But–you knew there was a but, didn’t you?–eventually Mom’s conversation would turn to me: how much better I’d look in contacts, how unruly my hair was, how I ought to smile more. 

When I smoked pot in college, who do you think I told, Charlie or Mom?

And who was very upset when she found out that I’d told him? I think Mom was more upset by getting the information second-hand than she was by the pot itself.

Perhaps Mom was trying to pass on the skills that made her popular. Or maybe she was trying to transform me into a suitable chip off the old block. Whatever her reasons, they didn’t bring us closer. 

Here are some conversation questions for you:

• Over the years, who has listened, really listened, to you?
• How did these good listeners impact your life?
• Do children learn more from what parents do than what they say? Is that true for you? For your children?

Please leave your comments below. 

What a great Labor Day weekend! How did you spend your time off? Did you do something fun? (That’s a good conversation starter, by the way, because it invites the sharing of personal information.)

For the third year in a row, I volunteered at the Hawaii Writers Conference, (the weekend formerly known as the Maui Writers Conference).

Ahhh! 4 days of bliss for everyone who loves writing, books and movies. That would be me and 700 of my dearest writer friends.  

When I attend a conference of like-minded folks, I’m never at a loss for words. (Not that that happens to me anyway. After all, I am the Queen of Conversation. <blush>) "Tell me about your project" got everyone talking enthusiastically. Notice the word project, instead of book. That’s because some folks were screenwriters and poets.

Here are some other good conversation starters you can adapt for your conference or group:

• Why did you come here? What do you want to get out of the conference?
• "What presenters have impacted you the most? Why?" 
• "What good tips have you picked up so far?"
• "Have you had any consultations with publishers or agents? What did they tell you?"
• What’s the next step for you, writing- and publishing-wise?"

The key to a good conversation

Ask for more information on any given topic. That means you gotta resist the urge to blab about your own project, your own favorite authors, until your turn comes. Did my turn come? Yes. Everyone was curious and eventually invited me to talk about my own coming E-book, Do You Squeeze the Toothpaste in the Middle? Playful Questions for Dates and Mates. I love how people smile when they hear the title.

Alas, the conference ended, and I am suffering from a serious lack of schedules, speakers, speaker-host teammates, authors and wanna-bes. But my dawgs are happy to see more of me than my coattails. (Does anyone wear coats with tails anymore?)

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Next post: Why you should volunteer. Special perks you might not know about.

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Thanks for reading my blog.
-  Tracey E. Bennett, Queen of Conversation

His mom took a deep breath, then asked…."What did you call it?"

"It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does…

                    AFRICAN ELEPHANT

Here’s why I will be a good person. Because I listen. I cannot speak, so I listen very well. I never interrupt, I never deflect the course of the conversation with a comment of my own.

People, if you pay attention to them, change the direction of one another’s conversations constantly. It’s like having a passenger in your car who suddenly grabs the steering wheel and turns you down a side street.

For instance, if we met at a party and I wanted to tell you a story about the time I needed to get a soccer ball in my neighbor’s yard but his dog chased me and I had to jump into a swimming pool to escape, and I began telling the story, you, hearing the words "soccer" and "neighbor" in the same sentence, might interrupt and mention that your childhood neighbor was Pelé, the famous soccer player, and I might be courteous and say, Didn’t he play for the Cosmos of New York? Did you grow up in New York? And you might reply that, no, you grew up in Brazil on the streets of Tres Corações with Pelé, and I might say, I thought you were from Tennessee, and you might say not originally, and then go on to outline your genealogy at length.

So my inititial conversational gambit–that I had a funny story about being chased by my neighbor’s dog–would be totally lost, and only because you had to tell me all about Pelé. Learn to listen! I beg of you. Pretend you are a dog like me and listen to other people rather than steal their stories. [pp.102-3]

I love that expression steal their stories. It’s one of my pet conversation peeves, and a theme I’ll come  back to from time to time.

But for now, I want to encourage you to read The Art of Racing in the Rain. How often do you get to experience conversation from a dog’s point of view? Comedian Elayne Boosler said that if her dog could talk, he’d say, "Throw the ball. Throw the ball. Throw! Throw! Throw the ball! Just throw the damn ball!"

Not Enzo. He’s eloquent and insightful, as you can tell from the passage above. And the story catches your interest and clips right along.  You’ll learn a lot about car racing, and what it takes to skillfully handle a car–and a life–in adverse conditions. Whether you enjoy fast cars or not, you’ll appreciate the metaphor.

I already know–or think I do–some of OOdles’s thoughts. I see her face fall when I head for the garage door and utter that most awful of 4-letter words: s-t-a-y. I see her jump for joy–literally straight up–at the words "Want to go for a ride?"

And if you have pets, after reading this captivating book, you’ll never be totally sure that your dog isn’t capable of being a good person and writing a bestseller, too.

I welcome your comments!

A bunch of us were gathered in a friend’s kitchen making breakfast. We were catching up on each other’s lives, and my partner, Gaelyn, said, “I lost my job. Carl didn’t have enough work, and he had to let me go.”

Susan replied, “My son-in-law lost his job. He had to close his business.” She went on to talk about how the family would finally have the time to visit her, and the others asked her questions. Then the conversation veered onto another topic.

How do you think Gaelyn felt?

Ignored? Hurt? Annoyed? All of these?

When we were all eating, a friend who came late asked Gaelyn why she wasn’t at work, so her job loss came up again. This time, everyone was supportive. They wanted details: How did she find out? What were the circumstances? Was it temporary? How was she taking it? What were her prospects?

In other words, they behaved like friends. They showed their concern, their caring.

I wish they’d gotten it right the first time.

Tammy said, "Don’t talk to me like that. It’s not my fault!"

Todd said, "!%&^#)&!" and raced out the front door, slamming it behind him.

Tammy’s my bark park friend. Over the months we’ve talked about our dogs and their antics, and we’re on to deeper stuff. So she shared this scenario with her husband. It REALLY wasn’t her fault, and he REALLY wasn’t angry with her. He was just angry, and she was there, and he was cussing and saying her name in the middle of his tirade. How could she not take it personally?

I asked, "Would you be interested in hearing a way to vent fury without words? It worked for me and my previous partner." Tammy said sure, so I explained how we had a word we used in all kinds of situations. Our word was WOOF. When we were angry, we said, "WOOF!!! WOOF!! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!!!!!!" And we continued woofing as long as we needed to. We poured all our feelings into it.

It’s amazing how much you can vent without any content to what you’re saying. Any word will do. You can make one up: snicklesnort, nockwobber, blatt. Just say the word over and over with all the emotion you can put into it. You’ll feel better for letting out your feelings, and your partner won’t be upset at what you said. When the rage is gone, you can talk about what’s going on.

I mentioned that we used this word in all kinds of situations. We also used it to express love and tenderness, for example,  "Woooooof?" As I said, it was our word. We got some funny looks in public, but they were worth it.

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It’s now May 16, 2009. You can’t keep a good thing to yourself. Word’s gotten around about the woof word, and now even dogs are using it. Here’s today’s Pooch Cafe cartoon.

Do you have a creative way to express or deal with anger? Leave a comment.