"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one."
Winston Churchill, in response:
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one."
"I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it."
- Groucho Marx
"Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. [I say,] ‘He’s dead. Good.’"
-Kate Clinton
"There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure."
- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
- Robert Redford
- Billy Wilder
Lady Astor said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband, I’d give you poison."
Churchill said, "If you were my wife, I’d drink it."
"I am returning this otherwise good sheet of typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
- English Professor, Ohio University
