by  David Ault © 2004 

• What parts of this pledge speak loudly to you?
• Would you care to add any pledges of your own?
• If you’re in a relationship, especially a new one, I dare you to create a pledge to each other. Feel free to adapt David’s beautiful thoughts. Don’t worry about getting it perfect. Make it a work in progress.

We paddled through mangroves, sailed across stingray flats, snorkeled around elkhorn coral and bluehead wrasses, scooped up sand dollars, swapped poems by firelight, and wished on shooting stars. My tribe nicknamed me Potcake.

Oh, it wasn’t all glorious: a scorpion bit Whitney twice; 3 of us cut our feet on shells and glass; and from sunset to sunrise, mosquitos and no-see-ums feasted on our uncovered body parts. We nearly peed on our toes, and we banged pots to scare off Wilbur, the massive pink pig who shared our "deserted" island. He sneaked up on us, and more than not wanting him to carry off our vittles, we never wanted him to surprise us squatting in the bushes.

I didn’t miss a toilet or comfortable bed. I missed a fresh-water rinse. My hair, though cleaned with No-Rinse Shampoo, always felt thick and sticky, hyped up on Super Salt Body. When I shampooed after the trip (AHHHHH!), it felt like two-thirds of my hair had fallen out. 

So what do I say when people ask, "How was your trip?" 

I say, "It was great."

Period.

For most folks, that’s enough. All they want to know is that pirates didn’t carry me off, and a passing stingray didn’t nail me to the reef.

Maybe it’s stingy of me to share so little. Do you think so?

Sometimes I bore myself with a one-word answer, and I have to say more. Then I might describe the nursery of 4-inch conchs, helter-skelter, half out of the water at low tide.

If there’s space for more information, sometimes I add details. You know what I mean by "space"? It’s somebody’s willingness to listen; it’s their ability to care; it’s the time to share. In my opinion, of course.

Then I say, "The best part was spending time with my family, including my cousin Vicki who married Cathy, her partner of 27 years, and turned the trip into a honeymoon. I loved meeting my first cousin Nan."

By way of showing how much fun Nan is, I might add, "After paddling for hours, Nan’s in the middle of the bonefish flats, squatting by the kayak, saying, ‘I’ve met 3 presidents, and now I’m peeing in my pants.’" 

I love a juicy quotation. I squatted, too, but didn’t generate a sound bite. (Thanks, Nan.)

Here’s what I’ve learned about the conversation question "How was your trip?"

The answer is what you make it. The question is super open-ended, so you could reply with a single word — "great" — or with a detailed description.

What makes me happy is something memorable and specific to hang my hat on. So the next time one of my friends goes traveling, I’ll won’t say, "How was your trip?" I’ll ask, "What were some highlights from your trip?" 

My neighbor Faye leaves for Italy and Greece tomorrow. When she asked what to bring me, I said, "Stories."

by Tracey E. Bennett

• Describe your family’s spring holiday traditions. What was your role in preparations?
• What foods do you associate with this season?
• Have you taken part in religious traditions other than your own? What was that like?

Last week I peeled apples and potatoes, plucked parsley from the yard, scrubbed pots and a pan or three, placed matzoh on 3 tables, and helped my cousin Cat cook a seder for 24 people. It was a 3-day job; but with 3 helpers, she finished 3 hours early with a smile on her face. 

We all enjoyed the Jewish rituals with horseradish, mushed apples, and bitter herbs dipped in salty water; the explanations in the xeroxed booklet with the bright green cover, read back to front; the sounds of the Hebrew syllables and the English translations; and the abundant, yummy food. 

My family wasn’t church- or synagogue-going. Our springtime traditions revolved around chocolate bunnies in bright baskets and colored eggs hidden in the yard or under the furniture. My mother never counted how many she hid. Did yours? Did you find eggs under the couch in August? Did you take them outside to break? Did you shriek "Ewwww!!!" at the sulfurous stench?

More conversation questions:

• Have you hunted lately for hidden treasures, such as Easter eggs or matzoh?
• What are your favorite memories of the spring season? Did you always eat the bunny’s chocolate ears first or save them for last?
• What are the best parts of the way you celebrate Easter or Passover now?
• Describe a favorite springtime memory that has children in it — your own or your friends’ kids, your nieces and nephews, etc.

Feel free to answer any of these questions in the comments section.

Happy Passover, Happy Easter, Happy Springtime and Bright Beginnings!

——–

Special thanks to artist Pam Chambers for the photo of her extraordinary eggs. 

Every year I make the same New Year’s resolution, which is not to make any resolutions. I blow them by February anyway. Here’s an idea for the new year that doesn’t leave me feeling bad about myself.

    I pick a word for the year.

It’s a guiding star, kind of a Star of Bethlehem for the wise person I aspire to be. 

After my friend Pam told me about word picking (Thanks, Pam), I added the idea to my computer’s calendar so I’d remember every year. 

My brain’s been addled from too much multitasking, so this year I picked "focus." It’s only January 4th, and already I’m focusing more, multitasking less.

Then two more good words jumped onboard: "completion" and "connection." When I told Gaelyn about connection, she cheered and hugged me. Connection is working its magic already.

OK, your turn….What word — or words — sing to you, inspire you to be a better person this year? Please share your words in the comment section so the rest of us can be inspired, too.

BONUS: Use this word-of-the-year idea as a conversation question.

++++++++++++   ++++++++++++   ++++++++++++    

Blog by  Tracey E. Bennett, Queen of Conversation

Here are some New Year’s conversation questions to start conversations and keep them going.

If you’re staying home and keeping the dog company, it’s the perfect time to assess where you’ve been and to chart your course for the new year.

• What 3 words sum up last year for you?

• What were some highlights of the year? 

• What were your favorite movies and concerts?

• Do any special books come to mind? 
   
• Did you have any turning points this year? For example, did you start or end a relationship or a job? Did you discover an aptitude for accounting or cooking? Did you get over a fear? Did you join a club and make a new set of friends? 
   
• Who inspired you this year? How about Captain Sullenberger who landed the plane in the Hudson River? Or English singer Susan Boyle?

• Name 3 things you accomplished this year. They could be as simple as cleaning out your closet or as complicated as organizing a conference for 500 guests. 

• What’s your secret dream?

• If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?
   
• What are you looking forward to next year, personally and professionally? What would you like to see happen? What specific steps will you take to make your vision come true?

A criminologist who has spent decades studying the lives of girls and women who end up in prison has some simple advice for parents trying to raise happy, healthy daughters: Listen.

"We need to listen to our daughters, not just talk to our daughters. That what girls tell us," said University of Hawaii professor Meda Chesney-Lind. "They want to be heard. Parents think they are talking with their daughters, when they’re really talking at their daughters." [from the opening 2 paragraphs in Friday's Star-Bulletin story by writer Christine Donnelly.]

My stepfather listened to me. Maybe that’s why I loved him so much. We traded stories:  he and his brothers dumped a nest of mice on the counter of their father’s store and made the clerk scream; I chased a camped counselor with a daddy longlegs spider. She was too busy running to scream.

We talked about current events, what was going on at school, and whether God existed (I didn’t think so). We talked about sex, too. If he thought my ideas were off the wall, he never said so. He just asked questions in a tell-me-more way. 

In high school I loved hanging out with my mom because she was so witty. When her best friend came over and they sat at the bar’s only 2 stools, I’d tuck myself beside the sink and join in. But–you knew there was a but, didn’t you?–eventually Mom’s conversation would turn to me: how much better I’d look in contacts, how unruly my hair was, how I ought to smile more. 

When I smoked pot in college, who do you think I told, Charlie or Mom?

And who was very upset when she found out that I’d told him? I think Mom was more upset by getting the information second-hand than she was by the pot itself.

Perhaps Mom was trying to pass on the skills that made her popular. Or maybe she was trying to transform me into a suitable chip off the old block. Whatever her reasons, they didn’t bring us closer. 

Here are some conversation questions for you:

• Over the years, who has listened, really listened, to you?
• How did these good listeners impact your life?
• Do children learn more from what parents do than what they say? Is that true for you? For your children?

Please leave your comments below. 

Not many people get interviewed, but lots of us teach or train others. It could be as informal as helping the kids with their homework or coaching their soccer team. It could be as formal as writing an office manual or teaching our employees to give good customer service.

As you read Alex’s blog post (below) about how to conduct an interview, think about you could use his 4 conversation questions to improve your own teaching skills.

The first question is a WHY question. When I was 12 and attempting to waltz in cotillion classes, I didn’t see the why of it. It wasn’t learning; it was going through the motions. CLUNK, clunk, clunk. CLUNK, clunk, clunk. I would have tried harder if someone had explained to me that I would enjoy waltzing to country music in my 40s and 50s. (Is it asking too much of a dance teacher to predict the future?)

To borrow from Nietzsche: He who has a why to learn, can bear with almost any how. 

And now, here’s Alex:

The 4 Most Reliable Tele-Interview Questions

by Tracey E. Bennett, Queen of Conversation

How do you build confidence and meet people? Volunteer. You get to schmooze with people you wouldn’t otherwise meet.

I was a speaker host at the Hawaii Writers Conference. One evening the authors were doing a mass book signing. 

Picture them at tables on the lanai of the Royal Hawaiian Hotel, overlooking Diamond Head and the ocean.

What was missing in this scenic view?

Something to drink.

I appointed myself the wine fairy, got scripts from the conference host, and delivered wine to each author. In between signings, I chatted with Kristin Hannah (21 books – I loved Firefly Lane) and Jacquelyn Mitchard (author of The Deep End of the Ocean, Oprah’s first book-club pick).

Of course, if I’d paid the full conference fee, I could have visited with them, too. But when you volunteer, you get in for free.

Here’s another example:
The previous year, I helped organize author Steve Berry’s book signing and enjoyed a long visit with his lovely wife. The ice breaker "how did you meet?" brought out a great blind date story. The conversation question "do you go with Steve when he travels for research?" gave me insights about his writing process, always an interesting topic for a writer.

An excellent tip to build confidence
Register people at the door. This is a great job because you get to put faces with names and have a brief connection. When registration’s over, you have a clear idea of people you’d like to get to know better. (Read about my morning greeting women who were considering running for office: "50 First Impressions in the 50th State." )

If being on the front lines, so to speak, scares you, then go backstage. While stuffing envelopes and trading stories, you get to know people in the organization. 

Feeling depressed?
Volunteer. You feel needed. Volunteering gives you a purpose, a reason to be there. Instead of walking in the door and not knowing a cotton-pickin’ soul, you belong. Help somebody else or a cause greater than yourself and you’ll feel better about yourself. It will do you as much good as a roomful of therapists’ couches. That’s a promise.

==================================

Thanks for reading my blog.
-  Tracey E. Bennett, Queen of Conversation